Sometimes people manage to describe their problems in such a vivid way that it is difficult to resist the temptation not to rush to help them. They are ready to tell you about their bad luck for hours. And when you start dealing with all the problems and help them in all possible ways, you see a pouty face and hear something like, “Thank you, but I did not ask you about this” or even worse, “Put everything back! I was happy with my worthless life, but you came and destroyed everything.”
Where are their appreciation and gratitude? You wasted your time, spent energy and resources on hot female singles, although you could calmly stay aside, and everything you got is such an unpleasant reaction. Why are they so aggressive? But the fact is that if your partner did not ask you for anything, then you just decided to turn on the superman mode, having no right to do it.
- They are not ready for change
To change the situation, you should have a desire to do that. No one can do this for you, and time must pass as well as the process of rethinking. Sometimes a difficult situation brings hidden benefits. For example, a person finds themselves in a spotlight, and everyone takes care of them, so they become somehow “addicted.” But it also happens that a problem raises the status of a martyr: a woman seems holy against the background of an alcoholic relative. She feels her superiority over others – only a strong person can survive and endure so much. Then why should she change?
- Their resources are in short supply
It is easy to look at suffering from the outside and give advice, “Get divorced,” “Start life from scratch.” However, the thing is that you cannot put on their shoes and understand the person to the full extent. You don’t know their experiences and their physical and mental forces. Perhaps the person has got depressed, so they don’t have the resources to change something. Perhaps, numerous challenges have put pressure on them, and you know nothing about them: the crisis in one’s personal life, a dangerous medical diagnosis, the danger of getting sacked. If a person does nothing, this does not mean that they are sabotaging, maybe it is just the wrong moment.
- They need just to talk
And who said that your partner needs active help? Perhaps they can deal with everything themselves. They needed just a shoulder to cry on who would listen to them and say, “I am here if you need me. Don’t forget that I am always ready to help!” They do not need your advice, but they wanted to vent.
- There is a threat of negative consequences
Do you want to get something for nothing? When you know for sure that changes will not bring anything good but only aggravate the problem, you don’t do anything. Sometimes it’s better to go with the flow than to panic, do stupid things, and drown yourself. It’s not always necessary to help people, especially if the situation is ambiguous. Naturally, it is not about events when a person does not see a way out due to narrow-mindedness or excessive focus on the problem. Then it’s worth demonstrating different ways out of the crisis. Nonetheless, once again – you shouldn’t decide for them.
- You strengthen their infantilism
Let’s be frank: how can a person learn to solve their problems if you take over everything all the time? You do not allow the personality to develop, take responsibility, show independence, and initiative. You show helicopter parenting and deprive them of the necessary experience and make them dependent on you. Of course, a rare mature person would like it. You have soothed your ego and got a chance to control everything. And the partner felt weak, vulnerable, and useless, and therefore, they are not grateful to the required extent.